


Different Voice, Different Eyes (Same Heart)

by sorryabouttheangst



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, BB-8 is Poe’s son, BB-8 is a child, Canonical Character Death, Doppelganger, F/M, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, Group Therapy, Heart condition mention, Hospitals, Kylo Ren and Ben Solo Are Different People, Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are not related, Maz is a therapist, Organ Donation, There’s some discussion about not knowing if we have tomorrow, its implied that Kylos job may have involved crime, off screen character death, past Poe/Paige - Freeform, pregnancy mention, stroke mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22821583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorryabouttheangst/pseuds/sorryabouttheangst
Summary: “Ben.” It’s easier like this, to not see his face. She wonders if his eyes are different, if they're the near-black color of Kylo’s that matched his hair, or something softer like the rest of him seems to be in comparison, “Sorry for leaving you like that.”“No need to apologize,” The sincerity is heavy in his tone, and she’s reminded of her selfishness that she can’t escape now, “I don’t imagine it’s an easy process, meeting the organ recipient-““It wasn't that.”Rey doesn't mean to say it, it just slips out without her permission. She can’t stop there, has to continue, has to be honest. Has to tell him.“You look like him.”
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Finn/Rose Tico, Kes Dameron & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron & Rey, Poe Dameron/Paige Tico, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 15
Kudos: 70





	Different Voice, Different Eyes (Same Heart)

There’s a procedure to it all.

An MRI, meeting with the doctor, followed by the mandatory two tests that look for any brain activity. Organ donation paperwork, another meeting, sitting on the bed while they carry him away to the OR.

The assurance that their sacrifice will save the lives of others that she thinks she should find comforting, maybe she’ll feel it later, but she definitely doesn't feel it now. 

Funeral home, funeral, life insurance, hospital bills because even though Rey’s lost everything they still want _more_. 

People show up at the house to _visit_ , as if she wants to talk to anyone right then, and she wants to scream, to hit them. To throw things at them until they leave. She doesn’t though, she only cries, only goes through the motions of offering a drink and accepting disposable containers of a dish that nine out of ten times contains chicken. 

(A week later, she dumps three pans out of the freezer and into the trash because she just can’t stand the taste anymore. She doesn’t want to ever eat chicken again.) 

The letter arrives two days after the funeral, and it sits on her table for a week after that. 

She can’t open it, not yet. Can’t face the words of the person who now has _his_ heart or _his_ kidney or _his_ lung keeping them alive. 

It stays on the table, unopened, amongst the medical bills and cards from well-meaning distant acquaintances who he’d met through business trips or that she knew from work. People come by to visit, but less often, and she’s thankful. 

_Gone too Soon-_

-She deletes Facebook, Instagram, anything and everything because if she sees one more post about his death she’s going to _scream_.

  
  


They say that there’s a procedure to grief too. Five steps. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Get through those and maybe you'll be okay.

They _lied_ , there’s no order to grief, no exact way to do it. They don't stay in the order they're written, jumping around and falling back and switching so much she loses track some days of which step she’s actually in at that moment. 

All there is is pain.

Pain and loneliness. 

(And the letter, still there, unopened on a kitchen table, surrounded by opened bills and cards thrown in a corner because the words don’t do anything to ease either)

. . .

“I’m realizing now, I didn’t really have anyone but him.”

Group therapy leaves her a raw, bleeding wound, but it’s the one consistent time of not being alone that she has so she drags herself out of the house to go to it. 

“Neither of us had family. Just each other. So now I’m alone, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Someone catches her by the arm on the way out of the meeting. Rey can’t help but think of those days after _him_ , when people came by who thought they knew him and touched her arm and tried to hug her and tried to act like _they loved him too._

But these people aren't _them_ , she realizes that, and she forces herself to say hi to the woman holding her arm. 

Her name is Rose Tico, she learns, and the man with her, her husband who took her last name, is Finn.

Their friend’s name is Poe. 

They make her go to dinner with them, and it’s the first time she’s felt something other than pain and loneliness in a long time.

After that they're always around. A text, inviting her over, dragging her out to ice cream or movie night or _something_ after group therapy to get their minds off it and keep from crying more than they already have. 

She’s never had a family, only _him_ , so when she falls asleep on their couch and Poe lays a blanket over her, she can’t help but wonder if that is what this is. 

. . .

Poe has a son, a wild, dramatic blur of dark curly hair and tan skin and bright-orange-and-white jacket that he refuses to take off. 

He’s what binds them together, this little huddle of warmth and grief and healing. His mother was Rose’s sister, an Air Force pilot named Paige, whose plane was shot down a year ago. The three moved in together after she deployed, so he could stay with family while Poe worked. 

“She was my best friend. Nothing romantic between us, if you could believe it,” He’d told her in hushed tones one day after BB had run into the playplace of the McDonalds they were eating in, “He’s the best kind of accident that ever could have happened to us. To me.”

He shows her pictures on his phone of Paige, of her pregnant, of her with their newborn son who has both their last names with a hyphen in between, of her in her uniform hugging Rose before she left, and she can tell that beneath the upbeat, _I’m okay today_ face he’s putting on, he isn’t. 

It’s too close to Paige’s birthday for him to be really okay. 

Rose is the same way, still a bit too raw with grief to handle the approaching date.

“I miss her.” He says, and his voice cracks.

She doesn't say anything, just wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulls him close, and watches BB run through the playplace without a care in the world.

. . .

When she moves out of the house, ten months after _him_ , she takes the letter with her. 

She had expected to move out of the house eventually, maybe to a little apartment on the other side of town where the streets were a little less familiar. A little less burdened with memories, a little less painful.

Instead, Poe had been offered a job back in his home-city of Yavin and had somehow managed to convince the rest of them to move with him and BB.

After Rose applies and is hired by the same company within days, they all, minus BB, who’s at preschool, appear at Rey’s doorstep bearing her favorite pizza. All the sudden they're inside, on her couch, and Finn is bringing plates and napkins in from the kitchen and she’s suddenly aware that this is the first time anyone’s been inside their house since the day after the funeral.

“It’s beautiful.” Rose says, and Rey’s chest feels like it’s cracking open.

_He painted the walls. There used to be gross carpet here, he ripped it up because I said it cost too much to bring someone in to do it. He had to look up how to install carpet online. There’s a corner that isn't quite done right over there, we put the chair over it to hide it._

He put in the ceiling fan after the old one looked like it might drop out of the ceiling, her holding onto the back of his shirt and making sure he didn't fall. 

He made this house her _home_. 

“Thank you.” She hears herself say, and she guesses she’s not convincing enough that she’s okay by the way Poe reaches over and squeezes her knee. 

Someone turns on the TV, and they eat with a background of _Chopped_ and Poe occasionally saying what he would make with the ingredients. 

_He made me Russian food because I read about it in a book and was curious. He taught me how to cook in that kitchen over there. There’s scorch marks on the inside of the oven from before we had a rule to not kiss in the kitchen and nearly caught the house on fire._

It’s been so long since this house has had anyone alive in it that it _hurts_. 

“Move with us?” Finn asks, abruptly, and Rose lets her head fall into her hands with a mutter of _I thought I said to start the conversation casually, babe._

They are a family now, they have to be, she’s sure of it. They don’t want to leave her behind, they want her to go with them.

“Think about it, we can get a house together, BB has a huge family plus my dad will be just outside the city.” Poe says, trying to act casual but she can _hear_ the concern and worry in his voice.

_He’d want me to go with them. He wouldn't want me to be alone._

Her eyes fill with tears, and then Rose is there, engulfing her in warmth and the smell of rose perfume- _of course_ -and Rey hugs her back just as tight. 

“We just want you to be happy,” Rose says, and her voice is wet and even now Rey can feel tears soaking into the shoulder of her t-shirt, “This is a really good opportunity for us and for BB, but we don’t want to leave you. You’re family.”

Rey sobs then, actually sobs, and Rose’s grip on her nearly breaks her ribs.

“Okay,” She whispers against Rose’s shoulder, and she feels her grin against her sleeve, “I’ll go.”

. . .

  
  


There’s a lot of tears, both happy and sad, _healing_ tears. 

Rey’s told them some about _him_ , mostly in group therapy, and other than that they've never pushed her. They're very acquainted with grief and how tricky it can be.

She’s told them his name, _Kylo_ , and how he was the most beautiful person in the world. How when they were at their loneliest they found each other and weren't alone anymore. 

There’s a lot she hasn't told them yet, and she’s okay with that. Some things are still too painful.

“How many bedrooms are upstairs?” Poe asks when they show up to help her pack and clean.

“Two,” She freezes, but forces herself to keep talking and not to cry because they haven’t even unfolded the boxes yet, “And an office.”

Poe nods.

“It'll probably be dusty in there,” She says, quieter, “I haven't been in there since he died.”

Another nod, “Is it okay if I take care of that room for you?”

“I don’t think I can do it myself, so yes.”

Poe kisses the top of her head as he passes, a soft friendly thing that breaks through her forcing tears back and leaves her with blurry vision and a tight chest. 

. . .

The house filled with the ghosts of her and _him_ sells quickly, easily, and then there’s a new house in Yavin. There’s a yard for BB, bedrooms for all of them, in a quiet neighborhood in the suburbs. 

She feels freer in a way, away from painful memories and constant reminders of what’s she lost, and finds comfort in her work as an editor. 

_“Will you check this for me?” He asks her, turning the laptop towards her and burying her face in her ribs when she says she will. His breath fans out across her skin where her shirt has ridden up beneath his chin, warm and soft, and her free hand curls into his hair, somehow even softer._

The anniversary comes and goes with the help of distractions from the others and therapy sessions with Maz before and after. It hurts, of course it does, but it’s survivable. She’s a survivor. 

(She just wishes he had been one too, so she wouldn't have to be.)

Since she works from home, she picks up BB from preschool. Finn gets home about forty-five minutes after that, and it’s a little easier then, but she treasures that time in the car and when they get home and have a snack; just the two of them.

Kes drops by sometimes, takes her in like a daughter, and then more like a friend once he realizes what she’s lost. They're alike in that way, losing the person they thought they'd spend the rest of their lives with, only for it to turn into just being the rest of one’s.

It’s on a Thursday night, after Kes has left from having dinner with them, when she’s unpacking yet another box into her room, when it happens. Poe is down the hall giving BB a bath, the giggling and splashing keeping her grounded even as she picks up the organ donor envelope.

Rey sits down on the bed, and despite the trembling in her hands, she finally opens it. 

His name is _Ben_ , he got Kylo’s heart, and it saved his life. He’s a mechanic who works with his dad, his mother is a General. He’s sorry for her loss, and can’t imagine what she must be going through. 

Rey hopes he never has to got through it himself. 

. . .

She writes him back, a year and five months after _him_ , and it surprises her.

It’s stilted and awkward and the ink bleeds through the paper at some points, but she does it. She even mails it.

And then he writes back.

. . .

_“I’ll love you forever.”_

_He breathes promises into her lips, presses them in the form of kisses into her hands, her jaw._

_“I’ll stop putting the coffee mugs on that shelf so you can reach them easier.”_

_“I’ll take you wherever you want to go someday. Any beach, any mountain-“_

_“I just need you,” She murmurs, her fingertips against his pulse point, feeling the rhythmic thud of his heart, “Just you.”_

_He kisses her again, smiles against her lips, “I know. But still.”_

_Then comes the lie, so sweet and good in the moment, so reassuring. Now it’s raw, bitter, filled to the brim and nearly running over with grief._

_“I promise I’ll never leave you.”_

  
  


. . .

  
  


She’s in Chandrila, three and a half hours from home, walking into a cafe that she didn’t know existed until four days ago when Ben texted her the name of it.

It’s been a while since she wrote him back that Thursday evening, almost three months of sending letters back and forth and then texting. Arranging to meet, if only to hear her husband’s heartbeat again. 

_“I’ll be in a black sweater,”_ He had messaged her that morning, _“Blue jeans, I’ll try to sit facing the door.”_

When she sees him, he is in fact sitting towards the door, and she wishes he wasn't. Her chest clenches up, her throat tightens, and her vision blurs with tears. 

She runs. 

When she finally comes out of the horrifying haze of _panic panic panic_ , squatting in the stall of a public restaurant in a grocery store down the street, that’s when she finally bursts into tears. Ugly, heaving sobs that have such a force to them that she worries she might throw up.

Rey fumbles for her phone in her coat pocket, the screen blurry through her tears but she manages to hit call on what she’s sure is Poe. She needs help, she needs someone, she can’t breathe, can’t stop crying, can’t stop shaking.

“Hello?”

It’s not Poe.

It’s _Kes_.

“ _Dad_ ,” She can’t help it, couldn't even stop the word leaving her mouth if she tried. She needs a father, a parent, more than anything right now. She tries to say more but all that comes out is a sob.

“Rey, _mija_ ,” He says, soothing, but she can’t help but sob again when she recognizes the word from home, Poe always calling BB _mijo_ , “Are you okay? Are you safe?”

“I’m safe.” It comes out shaky, teary, but the sobs slow to not be as constant, “Dad, I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

“Deserve what?” She hears the jangling of keys in the background, the front door shutting and clicking.

_He’s coming to get her._

A fresh wave of tears comes on at the thought. The car rumbles to life on the other side of the line.

“I lost my husband. I had to find him _dead_. I’m alone. And now,” A sob escapes her, and he hums something soft that she faintly recognizes from Poe and BB’s bedtime routine until she’s able to breathe again, “Now I have to deal with the fact that the man who has Kylo’s heart also has his face.”

. . .

_“You have a cute face.”_

_“No I don’t.”_

_“Yes you do.”_

_She pokes his cheek, and he makes the most disgruntled, adorable expression that she’s ever seen. It makes her laugh, leads her to drag his head down to her so she can kiss the dimples on the lower half of his cheeks._

That’s the thing about Kylo, he had dimples on his cheeks.

She knows from that first glance when she walked in, when he was smiling at his phone, that Ben Solo does not. 

. . .

Kes stays on the phone with her until he gets there, only hanging up when she tells him that she’ll meet him outside the store. 

He doesn’t say anything, just wraps his arms around her and holds her until her breathing eases back to normal, and then he opens the car door for her to get in. He picks her up food even though she never said she was hungry and he drives her home. 

When they finally pull into the driveway and she can see Poe hovering in the window, waiting for her, tears well up in her eyes and her chest tightens up again.

Kes drove seven hours for her. Poe’s watching for her, waiting for her. Rose and Finn are somewhere just inside, also waiting.

“Is this what it’s like?” Rey whispers, “Having a family?”

“Yeah, _mija_ ,” Kes’ hand pats her own, and his voice sounds thick with tears just like hers, “Yeah it is.”

. . .

“I haven’t answered the texts,” She tells Maz the next day, when she’s still feeling a little too raw but pulled together enough to be out of bed.

There’s two of them, sent within a half hour of each other. _I hope things get easier soon. Let me know if you need anything, Rey,_ And, _Stay safe, when you're ready to talk I’ll be here._

He’s so sweet, so considerate, that it makes it near impossible to be upset with him. It’s not like he chose to have a face so close to the one her husband had. But he does, and looking at him is like looking at a memory, just blurry enough so that she can miss the dimples and the softer look in his face.

_“You know I grew up rough,” He touches his nose while he talks, the pads of his fingers running over the bump where it broke and never healed quite right, “Always getting into fights.”_

She’d always joked that they were the same soul in two bodies because of that, she’d broken her own nose just as many times. They were so alike, so _perfect_ for each other, it only seemed right that the life in their lungs was the same. She still thinks it now, in a way, since it does in fact feel like she’s missing half of her when she wakes up in the morning.

“Are you planning to?”

Rey nods.

“What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know.”

Maz raises an eyebrow, clearly not believing her, “Yes you do, Rey. Why don’t you think on it today, give me a call when you figure it out. Or even better, text him back and face the future.”

There must have been something written on her face, fear, hesitance maybe, because Maz’s face softened slightly before she spoke again.

“You don’t have to see him again, you know that? Just a text. Set healthy boundaries for this, like we talked about.”

. . . 

  
  


_Thank you._

A pause.

_Sorry for running out. I’m okay now._

. . .

They don’t talk about it again, falling back into the everyday conversations that they had grown used to before. 

And then some selfish, selfish creature that has taken up residence in her heart rears its ugly head and suddenly she’s calling him. Not because she wants to talk, no, but because she needs to know if the voice is the same. 

“Rey?” His voice echoes out of the speakers, and she takes in a sharp breath.

It’s not the same. She’s not sure if she disappointed or elated, every emotion blurring together till she feels like she’s standing in the eye of a tornado. It’s close, _so close_ , to Kylo’s voice, but it’s not. It’s softer, just like Ben’s face is. A voice that she can tell hasn't gone hungry, hasn't slept on the streets, has never lost nearly as much as Kylo did. A voice that is a bit lighter, not nearly as stressed, not weary. It’s comforting, in a way.

“Ben.” It’s easier like this, to not see his face. She wonders if his eyes are different, if they're the near-black color of Kylo’s that matched his hair, or something softer like the rest of him seems to be in comparison, “Sorry for leaving you like that.”

“No need to apologize,” The sincerity is heavy in his tone, and she’s reminded of her selfishness which she can’t escape now, “I don’t imagine it’s an easy process, meeting the organ recipient-“

“It wasn't that.”

Rey doesn't mean to say it, but just like with calling Kes, _dad_ , it just slips out without her permission. She can’t stop there, has to continue, has to be honest. Has to tell him. 

  
  


“You look like him.”

  
  


_“I promise I’ll never leave you. I promise that when we have those babies we talk about that I’ll be here. With you. Always. I’ll have the money to leave that job by then, find something I can do from home.”_

  
  


“Oh.” It comes out breathy, almost confused, and she rushes forward to explain.

“Not identical. Just, _close_.”

  
  


_“I hope our babies have your eyes.”_

_“What if I want them to have yours?” She asks, “Your hair, your eyes, your ears.”_

_“That’s a lie right there, neither of us want them to have my ears.”_

_“Hush. I love your ears. Answer the question.”_

  
  


“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

  
  


_“I suppose we’ll just have to have as many as we need to get all the combinations we wish for.”_

  
  


“I just…When I saw you I wasn't prepared. For that. It was like seeing him again until I saw all the little differences.”

Dimples. Cheekbones that didn't stick out so much from stress and not enough food, a jaw that was a little less sharp. The missing bump and curve on his nose. The missing facial hair.

How many others are there that she didn't see? Will he look like a whole other person next time she sees him, or still like another universe’s Kylo? 

“I can’t imagine-”

“I want to see you again. And not run this time.”

There’s a long moment of silence, to the point where she gets concerned that he’s hung up on her, but a quick look at the screen proves otherwise. 

“Are you sure?”

She nods before she can remember that he can’t see her. That she can’t see him.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Maz is going to kill her for not thinking this through. She’s half tempted to tell Finn that if she goes missing after her next therapy session that it was Maz murdering her for being reckless with her emotions again. She’d had a panic attack in a grocery store bathroom, she’s sure that Maz is going to tell her that she’s likely not anywhere close to being ready to face him again.

“I have a free day in two weeks, on the eighteenth. Does that work for you?”

She doesn't check, can’t afford to. If she backs out now she’ll never be able to gather up her courage and try again, she’s sure of it. “It does. Chandrila again?”

“We can meet somewhere closer to you if you want. If you need to go home again, I’d rather you not have to drive a couple hours to get there.”

“Okay,” She nods again, despite the motion being useless, “I’ll send you the name of a place sometime this week.”

. . . 

_They have a courthouse wedding._

_It’s sudden, spur of the moment, decided in some thrift shop as they're trying to stretch twenty dollars because Kylo’s got an interview at that fancy company he hasn't told her much about. He needs a suit, something he can get the job in, because she wont let what he’s wearing stop them from hiring him._

_They manage to find a nice dress shirt, some pants, and then when she turns to look at a coat that might just fit him and keep him warm in the winter, Kylo disappears into the store._

_“Babe?” She calls out, and his head pops up out of the racks on the other side of the store, “Kylo that’s the women’s section.”_

_“I know.” He strides back over to her, stepping around the last rack, “Look what I found.”_

_In his arms is a white sundress, halter-neck and missing the petticoat and with a tear in the hem._

_“It’s pretty,” She hums, reaching out to catch the material between her fingers and shifting his new clothes to her other arm._

_“Try it on?”_

_“Kylo-“_

_‘There’s no money for it,’ She wants to say, ‘I don’t need anything else right now.’_

_She doesn't get to, though, because he turns those puppy dog eyes on her and how could she deny him this._

_“Please?”_

_She puts on the dress and everything changes when she opens the dressing room door to face her. He stumbles forward, almost falling, and then his lips are on hers and his arms are around her waist and she’s home. She’s home and the dress is a dollar-fifty and she wants nothing more to spend the rest of her life right here._

_“Marry me?” He asks, begs, and he doesn't need puppy dog eyes to convince her._

_“Yes.”  
  
_

. . .

BB’s birthday is the next day, and they celebrate. 

It’s a light, sweet day, with pancakes and whipped cream and syrup and his favorite movie and cuddles and it’s _good_. BB goes to bed happy and loved and sleepy and then they're all down in the living room.

Rose’s eyes are misty as they dig through the photo albums that Finn had made for her and Poe, talking through the memories behind each of them. 

“Do you remember her twentieth birthday?”

“When we went to the lake and she pushed me in? Of course I do.”

_She’s twenty and married for two months. Her husband has a new job that she doesn't know nearly enough about. They're broken people, healing people, but broken enough that she doesn’t find a problem in turning a blind eye to some things that don't quite add up._

“This is the birthday before she had Bee,” Poe says, and his voice goes soft and sad in that way that only a mention of Paige can. 

Paige is in a t-shirt, clearly not hers, Poe’s if Rey had to guess, heavily pregnant, and holding a cupcake with a candle in it that says _26_.

She had no idea she’d be dead in less than a year when that photo was taken. Never would have thought that she wouldn't live to see her son’s birthdays. Never got married. Never saw her son speak for the first time, never saw him walk. Stuck forever at _4, 12, 16, 20_ and _26_ , immortalized in the albums of pictures they talk about from before that fateful day

There’s a pit in Rey’s stomach the rest of the night, caught in that endless loop of realizing that we never know if tomorrow’s the last one we’ll get. 

. . . 

  
  


_“I promise I’ll never leave you.”_

  
  


_“I promise I’ll never leave you.”_

  
  


_“I promise I’ll never leave you.”_

  
  


_What’s a promise against fate? How can such a fragile thing survive under the weight of an entire universe?_

  
  


_“You’ll never be alone again.” He says, sure of the future, and sadly, it’s a lie._

. . .

Maz doesn't kill her, but she does give her that disappointed look that’s almost worse.

Therapy that day is rough, digging into her childhood and how she met Kylo after she’d aged out of the system. That turns into her talking about him, as she tends to do whenever she sees Maz.

“I try to only remember the good things. How sweet he was, how kind, how I never doubted that he loved me.”

_Russian food and teaching her how to cook and carpet and paint and light fixtures and “marry me, please?” and puppy dog eyes and a countless list of good things._

“But when I do that, it’s almost like it isn't still him in my memories.”

Maz _hmms_ at her, shooting her one of those searching looks. 

“Kylo wasn’t Kylo without the bad things too. He was jaded, the world hurt him too much. He didn’t trust people. Didn’t want to accept help. Possessive.”

She laughs humorlessly, “But then again, I am too. Jaded and angry and possessive.”

_The same soul in two bodies._

“If I don’t remember him like that too, I’m not really remembering him at all.”

. . .

_She hasn't seen him in two days, sleeping at the office in order to meet one of Snoke’s horrible deadlines that’s had him stressed for weeks._

_Every deadline has him promising her things. That this one will be it, that they'll finally have the money for him to leave, for her to never want anything again._

_“I only want you.” She tells him, again and again, but he’s determined in his mission to give her everything in the world._

_When he finally comes home with bloodshot, exhausted eyes, she begs him to quit._

_“It’s not healthy,” She pleads, “It hurts me to see you like this.”_

_“I’ll do better,” He promises, almost frantically, as if she’ll leave him, “After this next job, I promise.”_

_That’s a lie too, they both know it._

_There’s always another job, until there isn’t. And by then it’s too late for her to keep the only thing she wants._

. . .

_Did he wear glasses?_

It’s three days before their lunch when she gets the text. She’s not exactly sure why Ben’s asking, but she replies without questioning it.

_He didn’t_

. . .

“Are you sure you don’t want one of us to go with you?”

They're having dinner and Kes is there too. They've been talking about Paige again, but it’s lighter this time, not so raw. Almost as if she could walk through the door tomorrow, pilot jacket still on, ready to catch her son in her arms when he runs to her. 

At some point, Finn remembers what the next day is, and the conversation takes a turn to focus back on her. 

“No,” She says, a little too quickly, too sternly, “I…I have to do this on my own. Thank you though.”

Kes hugs her tight before he leaves.

“Call us if you need anything, _mija_.”

She nods, and he lets her go.

. . .

The diner she’s chosen to meet Ben at is across Yavin, on the north side by the lake. It’s a quiet neighborhood, the historic part of the city, and close enough to the first train station in town through the Chandrila line that his trip won't be longer than it needs to be. He’s already going out of his way for her, taking a five hour train ride to give this another try. 

When she walks into the diner, she doesn't cry. Her chest and throat don't tighten up.

No, the sight of him shocks her enough that it startles a breathless laugh out of her.

He’s wearing _glasses_.

He doesn't look so much like _him_ with them on, she can almost convince herself that he never looked like Kylo at all. 

When she gets closer, she sees that his eyes are different behind the glasses, just as she thought, _softer_. A lighter, amber color, slightly darker at the side. He’s wearing a lighter shirt too, soft-looking and blue which helps the illusion almost as much as the glasses do. Kylo never wore anything but black, maybe dark grey if she pleaded. The only time he wore white was on their wedding day and at that job interview, the same dress shirt that they bought from the thrift shop used for both. 

“Hi.”

He looks up, then scrambles to stand, to offer his hand, which she shakes. There’s calluses on them, but in different places than Kylo’s were. 

“Hi.”

They sit down, the waitress brings by water and takes their orders before disappearing back into the kitchen.

“Thank you,” Rey begins, meeting Ben’s eyes, “For agreeing to meet with me…again.”

“It was no problem. It’s good to meet you, put a face to the voice.”

After that, the words come naturally, and they talk until the food arrives, and continue to talk even after that. They talk about Ben’s family, about Rey’s that she’s found in the Dameron-Ticos, about everything. 

“How did…” He stops, looking horrified, “I’m so sorry, tell me more about BB? He’s Poe and Rose’s sister’s son?”

She knows what he was going to ask. Everyone asks it eventually, either aloud or on their face when she says she _had_ a husband. That she _was_ married. 

“Ben,” She reaches out, puts her hand over his own, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” He insists, looking ashamed.

She takes a deep breath as that little pain in her chest starts up again, but she pushes through it and tells him.

“He was stressed all the time because of work.” Her breath catches in her throat. It’s been almost a year since she told the story, her old therapist sent her file to Maz so she wouldn't have to tell it again. “I guess it got to a point where his body couldn't handle it anymore. He was in his office at home and he had a stroke while I wasn't there.”

Her chest hurts, but the tears stay back in the edge of her vision. They're there, yes, but there’s something about talking to Ben, so close yet so different, that’s comforting enough to keep them at bay.

“That’s horrible,” He sounds so genuinely upset for her that she almost does start crying, an ugly sob hovering in her throat, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” She croaks out, grabs at her glass and drinks the chilled water until she can breathe a little easier and tries to think of something to break the sad atmosphere that’s fallen over them again.

“Your heart’s fine by the way,” She tries to break the silence with something lighter, but it falls flat. Or at least, she thinks it does but he brightens up and grabs onto the new topic with both hands, “They did a lot of tests on it, made sure the stress hadn't messed it up.”

The sob falls back down to her chest in time, as the conversation moves on to Ben, to his heart condition, to him waiting on the transplant list. 

“Can I…can I listen?”

He nods, “Of course.”

“I don’t have a stethoscope.”

She’d meant to get one, but she’d been too worried that she’d run out again to remember. 

“It’s okay.”

He scoots over in the booth-

_They don’t have much, but they have each other._

_Sharing a milkshake and a meal on Tuesday night is a tradition of theirs when they started having enough money to get by. Always in a booth where they could-_

She sits down next to him in the booth, and it takes a moment of awkward shifting and twisting but then her head is against his chest and she’s _home-_

_She sleeps with her head on his chest every night, his heartbeat acting as her lullaby. She knows it by heart, could tap out its exact beat with her fingertips without even touching him-_

His heart, Ben’s heart, Kylo’s heart, _their heart,_ beats steady and familiar in his chest. Her eyes finally fill with tears, vision blurring, and she squeezes them shut as she takes in a shuddering breath.

Kylo’s- _no, Ben’s_ -arms wrap around her, holding her close, and she tries to keep her sobs quiet, muffled in his shirt or her hands but she’s sure she’s failing. She misses him more than _anything_ , more than she missed her parents all those years in foster care. With her eyes closed she can almost pretend that he’s there, alive, his heart beneath her ear and his arms around her keeping her warm and safe. But at the same time she can’t escape the reality that he _isn’t_.

That he will never hold her again.

. . .

Ben holds her for a long time, long enough for her tears to finally try and the sobs to stop ripping open her chest.

When she pulls away from him she notices that the lunch crowd is gone by then and the waitress has dropped off the ticket at some point. Their eyes meet, hazel and amber, not hazel and dark-as-his-hair, and she feels drained and strangely, despite the ache in her chest, whole. 

Not really, no, but it’s the only way she could describe it. Like she’s finally made peace with this situation with Ben, with Kylo’s heart, and it feels like something’s clicked in her chest and she can breathe a little easier.

“Thank you,” She whispers, and he nods, looking like all he wants to do is pull her back into her arms and comfort her again. 

That is one thing that is truly identical, how every emotion showed in their eyes. It was as clear as if he’d written it on paper and handed it to her.

When she stands, he does too, grabbing the ticket to pay and throwing down the tip before she can even get her wallet out of her purse. They walk together to the front and she watches out the window to the street while he pays. The view of his face from the side is a little too close to Kylo, even with those glasses on, than she can handle right now. 

The air is warm outside, a sharp contrast to the chill of the diner, and there’s been a summer shower at some point while they were inside. The street and sidewalk are clean, still damp, puddles still in the low spots. 

“Does this end here?” Ben asks, breaking her out of her thoughts and pulling her eyes away from where she was looking at the water drops glistening on the flowers in the pot in front of the florist. 

Does it end here? She’s heard his heart, seen his face, heard his story. That’s all she expected when she wrote him back all those months ago. 

“No.” The word leaves her in a shaky breath, and she knows that that is the only answer she could give. 

The universe would not have given Kylo’s heart to him, someone who looks so close to him, for no reason. She hadn't felt the need to reply to the letters from the others, only him.

She didn’t know what the future held for her. She didn't even know if there would be a tomorrow. All she knows is that she isn't alone anymore, and that she never wants to be alone again. 

“We’ll see each other again,” She says, and knows that it is the truth, “I know it.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! 
> 
> New chapter of nowhere is almost done, curse of fear will probably be after that. For the Empress Rey/Jedi Ben fic I mentioned in the last update of Nowhere, I have a question. The first four chapters are 100% done but I can’t guarantee regular/quick updates after that because I need details from later on in the story that I haven’t gotten to yet. Would you rather me post a chapter a week until all four are up or wait till the rest of the fic is done? Let me know what you think in the comments. Thank you!


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